{"id":3140,"date":"2017-06-14T05:01:43","date_gmt":"2017-06-14T03:01:43","guid":{"rendered":"https:\/\/staging.connect2us.eu\/verhalen\/invited\/"},"modified":"2024-09-11T14:02:19","modified_gmt":"2024-09-11T12:02:19","slug":"invited","status":"publish","type":"portfolio","link":"https:\/\/connect2us.eu\/en\/stories\/invited\/","title":{"rendered":"Invited!"},"content":{"rendered":"\n
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Zaid volunteers to help out at his son Nabil’s soccer club.\nHe helps with training and gets along very well with the trainer Bart.\nOne day Bart tells him he is getting married and invites Zaid to the wedding party. <\/p>\n\n

Zaid was very happy for Bart, and of course he said he wanted to be there.\nBut on the festive day, his brother Mahmoud suddenly stopped by to discuss family matters and he couldn’t leave it at that.\nThe following week Zaid saw Bart again and enthusiastically congratulated him on his marriage.\nHe also explained what had happened.\nBut Bas reacted very irritated.\nZaid doesn’t understand.\n“I thought we were new friends. Surely he understands that I can’t send my brother away?” <\/p>\n\n

Bart is angry.\n“I felt really embarrassed. First he responds very enthusiastically and promises to come, and then he just doesn’t show up! I had told everyone he was coming and I had reserved a seat for him at a nice table. And then he doesn’t come, not even a phone call! Imagine, I thought we had become friends! And then that story about that brother….” <\/p>\n\n

The connection<\/strong><\/p>\n\n

A man a man, a word a word.\nThat runs deep in Holland.\nIf you say yes, that’s a promise and people expect you to keep it.\nWe take that into account.\nThe extra chair, the food.\nIn the Netherlands you agree in advance, sometimes weeks in advance, when you visit someone (even if they are family), and people stick to that planning. <\/p>\n\n

The Netherlands is very organized.\nThat goes a long way.\nIt creates a lot of clarity, even though it is a pity that spontaneity is sometimes lost.\nBut in the Netherlands, in the I-culture, you can also send away someone who comes unannounced.\nThe appointment already made takes precedence.\nUnless there is an emergency, of course. <\/p>\n\n

But in we-cultures there are so many things at play that can make things run differently.\nIt has to do with loyalty and it does have to do with rank. <\/p>\n\n

Yes.\nIt can be very complicated.\nWas it the oldest brother?\nDid he come on behalf of their father or an older uncle?\nDid he come from far away?\nMoreover, Zaid cannot imagine that he is really missed at the wedding party.\nThat there is a special chair for him.\nAnd that his portion of food will be taken into account?\nSurely there is plenty of that?\nIf there are unexpected guests, what then?\nIt can seem very measured to Zaid. <\/p>\n\n

And Bart already valued friendship with Zaid.\nThe fact that he calls him friend is already important.\nBart now probably thinks that Zaid doesn’t value friendship, or that he can’t be trusted.\nHe had accepted the invitation, hadn’t he?\nThen we come to communication.\nWhat exactly does “yes” mean. <\/p>\n\n

The Dutch ‘yes’ is quite different from the one Zaid is used to.\nThere are many degrees of “yes.\nBecause you don’t say ‘no’ just like that.\nIf Bart had listened very carefully he would have heard from Zaid that he very much wants to be there.\nThat was not a hard yes.\nBart hears it that way and if Zaid had other plans he would expect a hard ‘no’.\nZaid just wanted to show his joy for Bart and of course let him know that, if only he could, he would drop by. <\/p>\n\n

Zaid made a promise.\nThis is how Bart sees it.\nIf he really can’t come he should at least call to apologize and explain. <\/p>\n\n

And Bart could also give a little more context to his invitation in the sense of ‘ we’re counting on you coming and we’ll keep a seat free for you, if you can’t let us know’.\nThen he helps Zaid too.\nWho gets the space to thank for the invitation.\nAnd in the case of his brother’s unexpected visit, Zaid understands better that he really needs to explain to his brother that he has other commitments.\nNo matter how hard it is to choose. <\/p>\n\n

That’s the big difference.\nIn an I culture, you choose more often, including yourself.\nIn a we culture, you have to keep more people happy and you divide your time.\nIf there is too little time, you stretch it. <\/p>\n\n

And then you get a very different handling of time.\nIn the Netherlands you go from point to point.\nIn your appointments, in your agenda, in your conversations.\nWe call it linear.\nIn a we-culture it is often from one thing to another and back again.\nCircular.\nThis is completely woven into how people think, interact and communicate.\nIn one society communication with little context, very direct and substantive and in the other a lot of context, indirect and with a lot of signals around it. <\/p>\n\n

In short<\/strong><\/h3>\n\n

For Bart: <\/p>\n\n