Adebiyi and his wife Adeola have been in the Netherlands for some time. The decision to leave their home in Nigeria was difficult. They have since started a store and live in an apartment in an apartment building where all the front doors are connected by a gallery. One evening Adebiyi and Adeola have some friends over, but the Dutch neighbors wonder if they hear a conversation or noise?
Another view
Kees, the neighbor looks out the window and marvels. “We met Adebiyi and his wife the day they moved in,” he reflects. “Friendly people and we bonded right away.” But now it turns out that they regularly invite friends over late into the night. And when they finally say goodbye, they have a lot to say to each other on the gallery. Kees has indicated to Adebiyi that those long, noisy, conversations keep the neighbors awake but nothing has changed.
Like Adeola, Adebiyi is happy in the Netherlands, but of course they also miss life in Nigeria. When they have family or friends visiting, they often talk about the old days. They share new experiences and sing Nigerian songs. This makes them happy and they forget about time. “Being together with friends and family is important, and I can’t imagine that this bothers anyone,” Adebiyi thought when his neighbor recently said something about noise. Noise? We were having such a good time! It’s so quiet on that gallery otherwise, too! Adebiyi does accept now that Kees can’t sleep and he tries to be considerate. “But can’t he also be a little happy for us that we’re having a nice, cozy time – after all we’ve been through?”
Where is the connection?
Adebiyi and his wife are trying to start a new life in a new environment. They are trying to adjust, but they also miss their old life, which is why they meet regularly with old friends and family.
In the Netherlands, there is usually an unwritten rule that from 10 p.m. onwards, sleep begins: no more noise and no more nuisance for the neighbors. Kees is irritated because there is noise outside after ten o’clock that keeps him awake. Adebiyi knows very well that sleep is necessary, but he does not realize that someone is bothered by the conversations.
Why does Kees call that noise? Holland prides itself so much on the word sociability, doesn’t it? For him, talking and singing with others is an important part of a happy life, even if it is in the middle of the night. Nigeria has a we culture. Regular get-togethers with friends and family strengthen the group feeling and the position of everyone within the group. This happens spontaneously and not at a specific time and can therefore continue late into the night. Greetings and goodbyes are important, sometimes cumbersome, rituals and often last longer than in I cultures.
In an I culture, like the Dutch one, people plan their days and we even make appointments with friends with a start and end time. Greetings and farewell rituals are short and less emotional and are not meant to emphasize an important relationship. See you again. Bye!”
It is not unwillingness on Adebiyil’s part. Kees is welcome to say something to him about his sleeping times. Then, if things are not quiet enough, Kees can signal him, with a text message or phone call. And Adebiyi can tell about the past and how important visits from his friends and family are to him and his wife. And of course invite Kees and his wife so they can then understand him and Adeola better and share in their new neighbors’ fun and friends. More importantly, Adebiyi and Adeola can say goodbye inside their apartment and not outside on the gallery where everyone hears.
In short
For Kees:
- Accept that Adebiyi and Adeola come from a we society.
- Being together is more important than the clock.
- Adebiyi and Adeola cannot imagine their conversations disturbing another.
- Talk about it and participate once.
- Be extra alert to the body language Adebiyi and Adeola may not “really” show that they do not understand you.
- Enjoy the presence of someone from another culture.
For Adebiyi and Adeola:
- Accept that Kees comes from an I-society and he greatly values personal space and silence.
- Kees was raised with the idea that you should disturb others as little as possible and that sound is soon noise.
- In the Netherlands, after about ten o’clock everyone is required to respect sleep.
- Let Kees know in advance that you have friends over and invite him and his wife.
- Above all, ask your questions. The Dutch are used to being addressed directly.
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Important to know:
This anecdote is based on stories shared with us. Connect2Us strives to highlight the dilemma from both sides and not to label people or suggest that one or the other should behave differently. We see in our daily intercultural work that awareness by those involved is enough to move toward each other without pretending to be very different. Connect2Us aims to help readers recognize and avoid prejudice. Read about prejudice, discrimination and racism here.
