Indian Surya is visiting Karin who lives down the street from her. While Karin is making coffee, Surya hears a crying baby. Surya offers to check on the baby to see if everything is all right, but Karin doesn’t think it is necessary. She will is fine, as she has seen on the camera. She quickly continues making coffee.
Another view
Karin: no worries, she will fall back asleep on her own, she has to learn that we are not always there right away when she cries. My husband and I try not to go to the baby right away. It’s good that the baby learns to be alone for a while. Then we all have peace.
Surya: The baby cries! My maternal instinct tells me to go to her and pick her up. It seems like Karin doesn’t care how her child is doing! How important is making coffee? In India, we never leave a baby alone in another room. They stay close to us. Then we are also there if something is wrong.
The misunderstanding: a crying baby
Surya doesn’t think Karin is loving enough for the baby. A child should not be alone, especially when it cries. The baby feels lonely!
Karin thinks it’s okay for the baby to be alone for a while, which is good for the child and also for the parents.
The circumstances
For Dutch parents, it is normal to leave their children to sleep in another room. A baby monitor ensures that monitoring can be done from different rooms. This independence is encouraged and is often part of parenting. If possible, children in the Netherlands have their own room.
In India, on the other hand, it is considered unnatural for the baby to sleep in a separate room all alone. The baby’s crib is often in the same room as where the mom and dad sleep. During the day, the baby prefers to be in the same room as the rest of the family. The emphasis is on being together.
The connection
Of course, there is no one right or wrong parenting style – parents do their best in every culture. It’s a great time to talk about parenting. Karin can explain that her baby gets some alone time now, but that after her afternoon nap, she’ll come back to join her. Moreover, she watches through the baby monitor and knows nothing is wrong with her baby.
Surya, for her part, can tell that Indian families are much more together. ‘Time alone’ is not something Indians consider important. And certainly not for a crying baby.
Explanation
The Netherlands has an, individualistic, I culture in which independence and self-reliance are emphasized from an early age. A newborn is given its own room as soon as possible.
Surya comes from a, collective, we-society that values togetherness. Therefore, the Dutch way may come across as less involved and cold to Surya. A crying baby must be comforted immediately.
In India, people are relationship-oriented. In the Netherlands, much more task-oriented. Karin was also not easily distracted from her task of making coffee.
In short
For the Dutch mother:
- Accept that the Indian mother comes from a we society.
- The baby is always there, even when sleeping.
- Create the opportunity to talk about parenting.
- Be extra alert to the body language of the guest, who has many questions.
- Put down your task, perhaps, for a moment.
For the Indian mother:
- Accept that the Dutch mother comes from an I society.
- Accept that every family member is raised with time to themselves, even a baby. And that has nothing to do with loneliness.
- Above all, ask your questions and express your surprise. The Dutch are used to being addressed directly.
- Perhaps wait very briefly until the coffee is brewed, then the neighbor will have a little more attention.
Want to read more about culture dimensions?
Important to know
This anecdote is based on stories shared with us. Connect2Us strives to highlight the dilemma from both sides and not to label people or suggest that one or the other should behave differently. Awareness by those involved is enough to move toward each other. Without pretending to be very different. Connect2Us aims to help readers recognize and avoid prejudice. Read about prejudice, discrimination and racism here.
